Fuck Hope

Dharma is a Buddhist Sanskrit word loosely translated as truth, or natural order.  Truth of existence, interdependence, impermanence, the truth that flows through everything right in front of us – though we often can’t see it.  The truth that both empowers us to achieve great things, and reminds you that all great things fade away.

Pema Chödrön, a brilliant Buddhist nun, says this of the dharma in her book When Things Fall Apart:

“Turning your mind toward the dharma does not bring security or confirmation. Turning your mind toward the dharma does not bring any ground to stand on. In fact, when your mind turns toward the dharma, you fearlessly acknowledge impermanence and change and begin to get the knack of hopelessness.”

Fuck hope.

Hope is a joke. Hope is just mirrors and smoke. Hope is a rope that you use to hang your own personal responsibility.

Hope is nothing. Hope is daydreams renamed.  Hope is a trick that politicians, naysayers, and negative-thinkers use to make you think they are optimists.

Hope is one of the most seductively destructive thing you can let into your life.

Fuck hope.

Two people stand at the edge of a putting green. One is there for fun, not really caring about the game, giving it a shot. The other spends every weekend golfing, every weeknight practicing putts, her spare time at work is spent researching the latest golf clubs.  Golfer #1 goes to take her shot and thinks “I hope the ball makes it in,” and swings at the ball.   Golfer #2 puts all their preparation into practice, concentrates, lines up, and putts, thinking about technique and focus.

The key difference? Golfer #1 hopes, because a) they aren’t really committed to the outcome and b) they aren’t really prepared. Golfer #2 doesn’t hope because a) they care so deeply about the game that have committed to taking matters into their own hands and b) they have prepared themselves to focus, rather than dream.

You might recycle your paper garbage and minimize your water use, and hope that your neighbor does the same.  Don’t waste your time.  If you really care about what your neighbors are doing about respecting the environment, you’d knock on their door and get a commitment from them to recycle, and you’d make sure each week that they do.  Hoping they do it is a convenient way of letting yourself off the hook.  Hoping is a euphemism for “I kinda care, but not enough to actually do something.”

Hope is also a way to hedge your bets because you think you’ll fail.  It’s a loser mentality. Let’s say you are about to see a solo classical pianist.  Assuming they’re backstage having an internal dialogue prepping for the concert, which show would you rather see: The pianist who is thinking “I’ve prepared for my solo concert and I hope it goes well”?  OR “I’ve prepared for my solo concert and I’m going to kick ass and blow these people’s minds!”  Which performer do you want in front of you for an hour? The one who hopes, or the one who is committed to a kick-ass outcome?

“I’ve written my novel and put it out there, hopefully people will find it and enjoy it.”  BULLSHIT!  You’re not really preparing to write a novel, you’re just laying the groundwork for yourself to say this sentence six months from now: “Well, I did my best, I tried, I guess no one wants to read my stuff. Oh well.”  That’s a loser mentality.  That’s a hoper mentality. “I’m not done until I find an audience for my novel!” = winner mentality.  ”I’m not done until I find an audience for my novel, I really hope I do” = mushy thinking.  Failure built in right from the get-go.

Baking into your thinking and internal dialogue the possibility that you’ll fail is a layer of negative thinking you don’t need. The universe is already filled with enough people and experiences that will say “no” to you – don’t say “no” to yourself at the outset of a new project.

Which sounds wishy-washy vs. being an actual commitment?

“I hope this is the plan that will finally let me lose weight” vs. “I’m going to become lean and healthy.”

“I hope this time I finish writing the novel” vs. “I’m going to finish my novel in three months come hell or highwater.”

“I hope my new band works out” vs. “We are going to play four shows a month next month, six shows the month after that, and talk to other bands to figure out how to book a tour for the spring.”

If you’re hoping, you’re not really committed to making it happen.  Whatever is it you’re hoping for (and giving yourself permission to fail at), someone JUST LIKE YOU has accomplished.  Look for them if you need support, ask other people who have taken the journey you want to take for advice about how they dealt with the inevitable pitfalls and curveballs. Bang on their fucking doors until they help you.  Timid tapping is for hopers. Banging on the door screaming FUCKING HELP ME FIGURE THIS OUT BECAUSE SOMEONE HELPED YOU is for the hopelessly committed.  Whatever the fuck you wanna do, there’s a community of people online and in the real world who can help you (this is a GOOD use of the Internet, vs. the five ways the internet is destroying your life.)

If you’re hoping for something, either:

a) It’s something you don’t really care enough about to do the homework and practice to master it. If it’s something you have fun doing, then keep on hoping. Otherwise, drop whatever it is you’re hoping for – it’s just taking up psychic space that would be better used focusing on something you care enough about to really commit to.

b) You don’t have enough faith in yourself to not give yourself the option to fail. You’ve failed before, you might fail this time, and hey better to just acknowledge that pretty much this might work out for you.  BULLSHIT!  Next time that stuff creeps in, imagine that your negative thoughts are a different person, and tell your negative self-talk “Oh hey, nice to see you drop in, yeah, you’re not really welcome here. Go fuck yourself.”  Talk to your friends or a therapist or coach or find a community of people who can restore your faith in yourself, because you ARE incredible and powerful.

OR

c) You haven’t found a community of people or a coach or friend who can help you make a real plan and offer advice on how to deal with obstacles. If you really care about the thing you’re hoping for, find them and seek their support (and don’t forget to offer your support to those who are behind you on the journey).

If the thing you’re hoping for is literally something you have no control over (I hope I win the lottery, I hope that girl/guy likes me, I hope it doesn’t rain today), ask yourself what need would be addressed if you got the thing you’re hoping for, and then ask yourself if there’s some way to fill that need with resources that lie within your circle of influence.

Hope is an excuse masquerading as positivity.  Hope is a commitment with an escape hatch.  Hope is a way of saying “I kinda care but not enough to knock on the door”.

Fuck hope.